I asked myself, Why am i seeking you? And i realized that I seek God because i want to be happy. Why do I want to be happy? Because life is meaningless without joy. Then why am i seeking God? Because i believe He can make me happy. Why? Because I know he can give me wisdom to be able to be succesful. Then it hit me. I seek God out of my own personal ambitions. I did not really seek him because I want to make him happy. I did not do all those things because i love him. And i cried and cried. I told Him how i felt. I told him that i am tired, and that i am so sorry because the truth is- i seek you not because i love you, but because of the many things i want in life. I want to please you because i know only you can give me those things. I felt ashamed but i was so bold. I told him everything. I told him that I want to be honest with you. I told him, If you want you can make me love you. If you want you can change my heart. And then a voice in my heart said, You dont have to do anything to please me. You dont have to do anything to make me want to love you. I just want you to be truthful with me. And then i fell asleep.
I woke up feeling good. I realized that GOd just wants us to be truthful with ourselves. To say anything; to say what we truly feel. To be honest with him. Because that is how he can help us. In every relationgship i now realize that it is fundamental to lay down everything and build on the foundation of honesty. God's only requirement is for us to be truthful with our own selves, and nothing else. Then that is how we start to grow.
P.S. It feels so so good to have someone whom you can truly be honest with.